Satire: Preprofessors

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Junior Reseach Faculty Rise Up! Demand Linguistic Justice!

In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the hallowed halls of academia, the world’s postdocs — or rather, junior researchers or junior faculty — have united in a historic revolt. Their grievance? A name so confusing, so utterly baffling to the common person, that it has shrouded their existence in a fog of misunderstanding for far too long: “postdoc.”

For years, the term “postdoc” has perplexed the general public. “Postdoc?” they ask, scratching their heads in befuddlement. “Why on earth would someone spend years, nay decades, to achieve a PhD only to cast it aside like an old pair of socks?” Indeed, the word conjures images of a beleaguered academic wandering the halls of a university, doctorate in one hand and a resignation letter in the other, ready to hand it all back.

“Does it mean you’ve given up your doctorate?” bewildered relatives ask at holiday gatherings. “Like, you used to be a doctor, but now you’re…less of one?”

“Postdoc.” The term has become an enigma wrapped in a mystery, smothered in academic jargon. Does it imply that these scholars have somehow transcended and are therefore “post” their doctoral status, moving into a realm where they’ve renounced their hard-earned PhDs for some esoteric pursuit of knowledge? Or perhaps, it’s a career stage where one admits defeat, waving a white flag over their academic ambitions? Why are those junior researchers with doctorates who continue to work in academia called “postdocs”, while their peers who have moved into industry positions aren’t?

In this brave new world of academic nomenclature, maybe, just maybe, when someone asks, “What do you do?” a preprofessor can proudly say, “I’m becoming a professor,” without the questions of, “What’s a postdoc? Are you not a doctor anymore?”

“Some people are in these postdocs near retirement,” curious neighbors inquire, eyes filled with genuine concern. “How can they be a postdoc if they haven’t retired yet?”

Enough is enough, say these junior academic faculty. No longer will they tolerate being mistaken for academic dropouts or glorified trainees. Their demands are clear, their voices united: they want a new name, one that reflects their true status as future intellectual leaders, not as the intellectual-in-waiting.

And so, the “Preprofessor Movement” is born.

“It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s accurate,” declares Dr. Quentin Quibble, a leading figure in the movement and a postdoc in astrophysics (or, as he now prefers, a preprofessor of astrophysics) at the University of Learning. “We are not ‘post’ anything. We are pre-everything. Pre-professor, pre-grant money, pre-tenure, pre-decent-housing. It perfectly encapsulates our current state of glorious anticipation.”

The movement has gained rapid momentum, with preprofessors across the globe sporting “Preprofessor: Ask Me About My Future Nobel Prize” t-shirts and organizing rallies with provoking phrases like “What’s a Postdoc?” “Can you be post a role while in that post?” “I haven’t stopped being a doctor nor holding this sign post.” “Academia is for the intellectually precise, not linguistically lazy!”

The implications of this name change are far-reaching. Imagine the clarity it will bring to grant applications (“Please fund my research, I’m a preprofessor!”), to faculty meetings (“Just a quick word from our preprofessors…”), and even to dating profiles (“Seeking someone who appreciates the pre-eminent minds of tomorrow. Must love long walks and existential discussions about the academic job market”).

Administrators, however, have expressed mixed feelings about the uprising. “On one hand, it’s adorable that the postdocs think a name change will solve their problems,” mused Dr. Hed Incloudz, Chair of Arbitrary Academic Society of Scholars. “On the other hand, this could set a dangerous precedent. What’s next? Graduate students wanting to be called ‘predoctoral researchers’? Faculty wanting to be called ‘tenuretrack legends in the making’? Where does it end?”

“It’s time for a change,” declared Dr. Alex Thesis, a spokesperson for the Committee of Preprofessor Revolutionaries (CPR). “The term ‘postdoc’ has led to years of misunderstanding and, frankly, existential crises. No more shall we be seen as scholars who have abandoned their hard-earned degrees and potential. We are the bridge between academia’s grueling past and its tenured future. We demand recognition of our plight and our potential.”

The proposal to rename “postdoc” to “preprofessor” has gained traction rapidly. “It just makes sense,” said Dr. Ima Grant, who is a postdoc running a lab, in between applying for faculty positions and perfecting the art of making a single bag of ramen last a week. “When people hear ‘preprofessor,’ they’ll understand that we’re in the chrysalis stage of becoming full professors. We’re not giving up—we’re gearing up!”

Despite the naysayers, the movement is gaining momentum. Social media has exploded with the hashtag #PreprofessorPride, as postdocs around the world share their stories of endless grant applications, underwhelming salaries, and the faint, flickering hope of someday landing that elusive tenured faculty position.

“The name ‘preprofessor’ carries the weight of our ambition, the promise of our potential. It’s not just a title; it’s a statement of intent,” said Dr. Thesis.

The CPR has even designed a new logo: a phoenix rising from a pile of dissertations, clutching a coffee mug in one talon and a syllabus in the other. They have issued a formal ultimatum to universities worldwide: adopt the new title or face the consequences. Rumors abound that the “consequences” include a mass exodus of junior academic faculty to industrial roles, where the terms “Senior Scientist” and “R&D Innovator” are abundantly clear and come with perks like a five-day working week and a livable wage.

In a rare show of unity, even the Relatives International Committee for Heirs (RICH) has issued a statement in support of the change. “Frankly, we just want to be able to explain what our sons, daughters, nieces, and nephews do at Thanksgiving without sounding like we don’t understand it ourselves,” said RICH President, Aunt Martha.

As the tide of revolution rises, the postdocs—soon to be preprofessors—march forward with renewed vigor, although from the back of a lab bench while instructing students. Whether or not the world is ready for this seismic shift in academic nomenclature remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: they’ll defend their new title with all the fervor of a researcher guarding their last free cup of conference coffee.

Critics, mainly tenured professors who’ve forgotten the struggle, scoff at the initiative. “Preprofessor? Sounds like they’re trying to claim titles they haven’t earned yet,” said Professor Emeritus I.M. Stuckinthepast. “In my day, we were happy just to have a lab bench and 2 am free.”

But the preprofessors are undeterred. They’ve launched a social media campaign with hashtags like #PreprofessorPlease, #NotAPostDocAnymore, and the ever-popular #WhatTheHeckIsAPostdocAnyway. They’ve even started a petition on Change.org, which has garnered signatures from other misunderstood academic roles like “visiting scholars” and “research associates,” all seeking clarity in their job titles.

Human Resources, knee-deep in the identity quagmire, has decided everyone’s now a “Postdoc” — yes, even the Full Tenured Professors. “I mean, Full Professors have PhDs or doctorates too, don’t they?” they quipped, trying to untangle the academic spaghetti.

If “postdoc” leads to such confusion, perhaps “preprofessor” could indeed simplify things. After all, isn’t academia about clarity and the pursuit of knowledge?